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"Rant" - The Original Molson Commercial


(ahem) Hey.
I'm not a lumberjack,
or a fur trader...
and I don't live in an igloo
or eat blubber, or own a dogsled...
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I'm certain they're really, really nice.

I have a Prime Minister,
not a President.
I speak English and French,
NOT American.
and I pronouce it 'ABOUT',
NOT 'A BOOT'.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, NOT policing.
DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation,
AND THAT THE BEAVER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL.
A TOQUE IS A HAT,
A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH,
AND IT IS PRONOUCED 'ZED' NOT 'ZEE', 'ZED'!!!

CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST LAND MASS!
THE FIRST NATION OF HOCKEY!
AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA!

MY NAME IS JOE!!
AND I AM CANADIAN!!!!!!!!
Thank you.

SOURCE: Molson


I am American!


I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or generally well-liked.
I don't live in a clean place,
I don't eat nutritiously very often,
And I don't drive well.

I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg,
Although I'm certain they weren't American.
I drink watery beer.
I don't use utensils when eating.
I believe in guns for settling disputes, not discussions.

And I pronounce it AIN'T, not AREN'T.
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack......
until I go anywhere.
Burger King IS fine dining.
Ketchup IS a vegetable and WWF wrestling is real.

The UNITED STATES is the ONLY country in the world,
The FIRST nation of ignorance,
And the BEST part of South America!
My name is Johnny Bob Jimmy Joe Ray,
I'm married to my sister,
and I AM...AMERICAN! 

SOURCE: unknown


I am a mathie!

Hi.

I'm not your help desk or your tip calculator.
And I don't live in the comfy lounge.
I don't always drink Jolt, or really like iMacs.
And I don't know Brad, Kev or Van, but I'm sure they're really Chinese people.
I have mathNEWS, not a newspaper.
I code in C and C++, not Turing.
I pronounce it Vee-EYE not six.
I can proudly have e to 200 decimal places on my backpack.
I believe in induction, not proof by example.
Switching into Operations Research, not failing out of CS.
I believe the Pink Tie is of a proud and noble colour!
Pi is a constant, and Bacon is a mathematician!
Its pronounced Unix, not eunuchs! Unix!
MC is the second tallest building, the first Math faculty in North America, and the best part of the Epsilon distance around the Math building!
My name is Kevo! And I AM A MATHIE!

SOURCE: mathNEWS


I am a Waterloo co-op student!


Um, hi 
I am not a full time employee, or on the company phone list, 
and i definitely do not have any benefits. 
I don't know who really fucked up that instrument, 
although I'm sure you'll blame it on me. 

I do my work, and yours too 
I work at your desk, I don't have one of my own 
I call this an opportunity, not slave labour, 
and I am way more productive than you. 

I believe in KISSING YOUR ASS for a good evaluation, 
WORK, NOT PLAY! 
AND THAT SOME DAY, I'll BE YOUR BOSS!!! 

MY PAY CHEQUE IS A JOKE AT THE BANK, 
my work contribution is sorely underappreciated, 
and the co-op CECS department DOES suck shit! 

I CAN survive on minimum wage, 
this city's slum sector isn't all that bad, 
and eating IS A PRIVILEGE, NOT A RIGHT! 

MY NAME IS KRIS SHELSWELL 
AND I AM A WATERLOO CO-OP STUDENT!! 

thankyouverymuch

SOURCE: unknown


I am not Canadian!


H-i'm not h-unemployed, h-or smuggling cigarette across da border.

H-i don't eat Pepsi and May West for Breakfast.

H-i don't watch da 'ockey game doing it doggy style.

and non, H-i don't know Claude, Manon or Francois of Abitibi Temiscamagne, but h-i sure dey all 'av nice teeth.

H-i smoke in church.

H-i speak Quebecois and Jouale, not french h-or h-english.

H-i pronounce it turd, not third.

H-and eating french fries with cheese makes sense, mon hostie!

H-i believe in distinct society, h-as long h-as someone else pays for it.

H-i believe in language police, not equal rights!

H-and Calice! I believe Clube Super Sexe is an h-appropriate place for my wife and me to celebrate our h-anniversaire!
(What da hell, she goes on at ten anyway!)

H-in Quebec, da Stanley Cup actually comes around more often dan Haley's Comet.

H-i can get beer at the depanneur, not h-at da convenience store!

H-and maybe I can't turn right on a red light, but tabranaque! I can go right through it!

Because Quebec is da world's largest producer of Maple Syrup, da home of Celine Dion -hand Roch Voisine!

Da land where everyone is shacking up h-and the legal drinking age is just a suggestion!

Je m'appelle Guy! H-and H-i H-am not Canadian!

Mon tardditabranaquehostie!

AUDIO: Download the mp3.

VIDEO: Quicktime format.

SOURCE: The Humble and Fred Show on Toronto's Edge 102.


I go to UW!


Um, hi 
I am not a member of a fraternity, or a sorority 
and I don't live in Village 2 or eat at Brubakers 
and no I don't know Sharon, Vishnu or Li-Ching in Engineering, 
although I'm sure they're all from Mississauga 
I am taught better by the TA than the professor 
I go to the Bomber, NOT Fed Hall, 
I call it Needless Hell, not Needles Hall. 
and I wear my pajamas to class all week long. 
I believe in doing my assignments at the last minute, 
I drink beer, not champagne! 
and Wednesday night is the best night to party. 
Reading week is only two days long 
line ups are inevitable 
and the co-op department will screw me over 
In Kitchener-Waterloo, UW is the one university worth mentioning 
the next university to raise tuition 
and the best university in Canada 

My name is b7smith@watst.... 
And I go to UW! 

SOURCE: unknown


Shatner's "I Am Not Captain Kirk" Rant

Trek legend William Shatner has aimed a rant at fans who really think he is
Captain Kirk. Shatner, who hosted a gala last Thursday at Montreal's Just
for Laughs Festival in Canada, delivered his own spoof of Molson's "I Am
Canadian" rant.

"Hey, I'm not a Starfleet commander or T.J. Hooker I don't live on
Starship NCC-1701 or own a phaser. I don't know anyone named Bones, Sulu or
Spock. And no, I've never had green alien sex - although I'm sure it would
be quite an evening. I speak English and French, not Klingon. I drink
Labatt's, not Romulan ale. And when someone says to me, 'Live long and
prosper,' I seriously mean it when I say 'Get a life!'... My doctor's name
is not McCoy, it's Ginsberg. And Tribbles were puppets! Not real animals!
Puppets! And when I speak, I never, ever, talk / like / every / word / is /
its / own / sentence!... I live in California, but I was raised in
Montreal. I believe in Priceline.com, where you never have to pay full
price for airline tickets, hotels and car rentals. I have appeared on stage
at Stratford, Carnegie Hall Albert Hall and at the Monkland Theatre in NDG
(Notre Dame de Grace). And yes, I've gone where no man has gone before. But
I was in Mexico and her father gave me permission. My name is William
Shatner and I AM CANADIAN."




I Am Canadian ... Forces

I wear combats, not fatigues.
I work for a "lef-tenant," not a "loo-tenant."
I drive an Iltis, not a Jeep or Humvee.
The weapon I carry for my protection is a C-7, not an M-16.
I observe from, or take cover in, a slit trench, not a foxhole.
I don't just speak English or French, I can speak many languages.
Although I am trained to fight wars, I don't cause them.
I try not to take sides, and I believe in treating all humans equally.
I don't just go on patrols, I clear land mines to make regions safe for everyone.
When I am not deployed on a peace mission, I travel all over my country fighting forest fires, battling floods, rescuing lost souls or repairing damage caused by ice storms.
In my off-duty hours on deployments I occupy myself by rebuilding schools or playgrounds and I teach children in war-torn countries about peace and harmony.
I am my country's best ambassador and I am respected the world over for what I do best.
I carry my country's flag proudly and hold my head high wherever I go.
My name is Frank, and I am a proud Canadian peacekeeper.

MCpl Frank Misztal is the Web master for the Communications and Electronics Branch in Ottawa.



I am Canadian!

How can you tell a Canadian boater?!
He knows what a Robertson screwdriver looks like.
She knows how fast a 15 km/h speed limit is.
He thinks that anyone who drinks 3% beer is a weenie.
She drinks pop, not soda.
He dreams of cruising somewhere the water doesn't get hard in the winter.
She knows the French equivalent of "sugar-free" from reading bilingual cans.
He thinks everyone has a holding tank... don't they?
She owns a serious wool boating sweater due to childhood frostbite.

http://www.ncf.ca/boating/canadian.html